Ten Years: Fifty Pounds

Today is my personal celebration. This May marks 10 years since I lost weight and have kept it off.* This is the picture I keep on the fridge at eye level to remind me of where I came from.

Kindly forgive the cruddy pictures - these are all digital pics of actual photos

Yes, that is me in the cream dress (and that's L in the purple tie!). This picture was taken in June 2006 at L's birthday party. I am fat, close to 200 pounds.

When I look at this picture, I see a woman who is pretending to be brave, pretending to be fabulous. I'm also sucking in everything I can for the camera, and glad that L's hand is covering my stomach.

How did I get to that place?

I was always skinny as a child, more curvy (boobs!) as a teen, but when I hit my 20s, I started gaining weight. I kind of lost myself, who I was, in my previous relationship, and ate and drank my way through that. I made it out the other side okay, slightly more confident. I lost weight for the first time during this period in my 20s - I had to measure myself for a bridesmaid's dress and seeing the numbers gave me a reality check. I switched to the diet version of everything, cut back on the beer, and did a Kathy Smith workout VHS tape 2 days a week.

OMG, that brings back memories!

It was the mid-90s, that's what we did! And it worked. I lost 6 inches all over - I kept track of my progress with a weekly check with a measuring tape - and then I stopped. "All done," I thought, "I can go back to my real life now."

So I did. And I met this guy, one of the best things that ever happened to me. L helped me find the confidence in myself to quit working retail, go back to school and get my degree, and to find 9 to 5 work.

 This is right around the time we got married, 20 years ago, so in late 1996 or early 1997. We'd just gotten back from our trip to Scotland (I bought the orange skirt at Etam in Edinburgh). I had gained back some of the weight, and wore a lot of black to hide the parts I didn't like (my torso). I can see in my eyes that I don't like how I look.

This is 4 years later, around 2001. I've graduated from university (2000), and although I'm all smiley, I'm going into a very low period here. I wasn't happy in my job, I didn't like who I was.

The body language is a dead giveaway

 I have struggled with depression for much of my life. Never felt good enough, never felt like I could please anyone. I didn't understand myself very well - I have a tendency to push those feelings down and eat/drink them away. I didn't want to face the world, face anything at all.

My friend Tammy and I went to Vegas in 2001. Note that I've always had a flair for drama, and I've always loved to dress up.

 Even at my heaviest, I've tried to fake it to the world. I felt so incredibly ugly and unlovable on the inside.

Now, when I look at these pictures, and I don't see an ugly woman. I see an unhappy woman, but she still has beauty.

I like my hair at this length, too

 Vegas was unbearable - whatever possessed us to go in August? I was horribly uncomfortable in this large, bulky body. My legs rubbed together and chafed, my boobs sweated. It was like wearing 10 heavy, thick sweaters that you can't take off. I hated it.

L and I went out every Friday night for many years, to our old pub, Swans. I always dressed up.

 Always with the dramatic pose (intended to stretch me out and not make me look fat). I have always liked my leather (real or fake)!

But I never did anything about my weight. And I kept gaining.

 This is for our friends' wedding. I bought this dress at Jacob, the shoes at Aldo, and I don't remember where I got the satin shawl. It was getting hard to shop in "real" stores. This is around 2001 as well.

We went to New York in 2002. This picture was hard for me to look at. There aren't many pictures of me after 2002 - I didn't like having my picture taken.

 Again, I remember how much I hated being in my body. I pushed L away from me, and I didn't have my supportive group of girlfriends that I do now. I turned inward and withdrew, putting on a good face for the world.

Although there are very few pictures of me from 2002 to 2006, by the time this party below happened, I was starting to take control of my life again. I went through several job changes (mostly bad), and then found a good one that I stayed at for 5.5 years. I also started writing poetry again after many, many years, which helped me delve into myself. Writing poetry is like opening a raw wound for me - although it is cathartic, I just can't go there now. I wrote a lot over a two-three year period, and sorted out a lot of sh*t in my head.

 I started to accept my body as it was, and started to believe that I was a good person, a person with value. I began to see what L has always seen in me: I'm a smart and beautiful person. I am not my outside.

Yes, L, here's to you for believing in me all along. I put that man through hell with me for many years.

 Once I believed in myself, it was like something let go. I didn't need to lose weight. I was fine how I was. I liked myself for the first time in years.

But I knew I was unhealthy. My dad died of a heart attack when he was 55, and my doctor had warned me that I was going down that same path. In the summer of 2006, when I was nearly 39, I joined my work's WW meeting* with the goal of doing a marathon in my dad's honour before I turned 40. My dad was an ultra-marathoner when he died - he also used to be heavy, and he lost a lot of weight through running.

I was focused on my goal of doing the marathon, but I also LOVE pretty clothes, and I wanted to fit in the sample sizes (mostly 8s) at Dots. I was motivated and I lost steadily. I had L take these series of pictures over the course of the 9 months that it took me to lose the weight.

 One of my favourite Dots dresses - I've lost about 10-15 pounds here, and I'm feeling good.

I was so excited about losing weight, that I bought this dress months earlier, hoping I would shrink into it by Christmas. At this point, I've lost about 25 pounds.

The dress was a size 10, and by Christmas I'd shrunk out of it! I only wore it once. Maybe I'll find it in a thrift store one day? It was so pretty.

I had done an interim clothing shop when I was at 25 pounds gone. These clothes were getting loose on me too. This is early 2007 and I'm down 35-40 pounds.

 I still have that necklace and earrings, and those are my beloved leopard pumps (last worn here, 2nd outfit, in July 2016) that I bought in San Francisco, where we went for my 39th birthday.

And here I am at my goal weight: 138 lbs, down 50 pounds, from 188 lbs. Looks like me now, doesn't it?

I pose better now!

L bought me that dress in Vancouver on our anniversary trip that year - that was our 10th anniversary! I'm wearing a pair of shiny red Fluevogs (I've since gotten rid of them - too high). I cut my hair short to signify my fresh start.

And yes, I did the marathon! I race-walked it 3 days before I turned 40. It was proof to myself that I could do it, and I could do it for ME. It was hugely satisfying (and I've no desire to do it again).

It's been 10 years since I lost my fifty pounds. It's been a struggle sometimes to keep it off, but I've done it, I keep doing it, and I'm proud of myself. I take care of myself and put myself first. I look after my mental health and my physical health. I've learned a lot about myself, and I'm still learning. Aren't we all?

I saved only piece of clothing from when I was at my heaviest - my jeans. This week, I took them to work and showed my coworkers my "fridge picture". Many of them didn't recognize me in the picture, and were agog that the jeans had ever fit me.

Those are size 16.

I took them to my WW meeting tonight and put them on over my pants to show my group.

It was emotional - it brought back so many of those feelings of being worthless and unhappy. But it also reminded me how much this journey has taught me.

I'm worthy of this. I deserve this.

As the great Bif Naked sings (this is my theme song - link, go listen, it's a rockin' song):

 "I love myself today, not like yesterday. I'm cool, I'm calm, I'm gonna be okay."

This gal?

She's gonna be okay. I'm taking care of her.

 *Full disclosure: I lost my weight and have kept it off through Weight Watchers, and I have now been a leader employed by them for over 6 years. Weight Watchers bears no responsibility for anything I say, and I don't ever talk about the company on this blog except in passing, as in "at my WW meeting tonight", etc.